B: This may not fit alongside the goal of revenge–which might be excellent contradiction of attitude versus action. Seems humble, as though to say, nothing material can be passed along. I would restate: ‘The honor of my conduct is the only legacy that will carry on.’ This can be more readily challenged in the question, “Is revenge over material goods truly honorable?” It also focuses on personal conduct, not on the whole family.
I: Can’t see a trigger. Appears timing of “pick a fight” could be, “I’ll bring that up later.” I would restate: ‘I will never cower from a fight.’ OR ‘I will always fight if provoked.’ Maybe not safe, but has a clear trigger and immediate action. Another restate, “I will never be hesitant from fear.” This allows the player to chose wisdom, safety, or other factors as a reason to hesitate, but still triggers on fear.
G: Sounds like a Goalief (mix of Goal and Belief: also called Wish or Pipedream). I would restate: ‘I must see the blood of Herward is shed else revenge is unfulfilled.’ Target=blood of Herward; Action=I must see it shed; Condition=to fulfill revenge. This might not require he do the bloodshed, but must at least see it shed (even if by another).
B: To survive the unfair world one must be inventive and realistic.
I: Push your glasses up and say something clever.
G: We must retake our place in this town.
B: Good, yet small refinements will enhance. I would restate: “My/Our survival in this unfair world is determined by my realistic perspective and my inventive mind.” One facet I love about this is the challenge may include the question, “Can optimistic mice also survive–or only realistic mice?” Also, focus on personal traits of realism and invention rather than generic traits of realism and invention. The belief guards against his/her own failures, not everyone elses’.
I: Fair, yet needs trigger. I would restate: “When insulted, push your glasses up and say something clever.” OR “If stumped for solutions, push up your glasses and say something clever.” Will work well if it is a quiet mantra Edgargo whispers as encouragement or comfort when things go wrong.
G: Great; enhance with condition of urgency. I would restate: “I will reestablish our family’s status and dignity in this town before the Winter winds freeze us all.” Target=our family’s status and dignity; Action=I will reestablish; Condition=before Winter winds. This ought to require the whole family listen to his realistic and inventive ideas with perfect obedience.
B: Safety of the family is the most paramount value.
I: Draw your sword when threat arises.
G: Justice must be laid but the family of the Tammilehto have to survive. (Motivating this mouse is difficult. The first part of the Goal feels forced.)
B: Great, and can be enhanced. I would restate: “I value the safety of my/our family above all else.” This drives it into a personal motivation and can act as an excuse for all sorts of interfering with the actions of the family members.
I: Great. Possibly restate: “I always draw my sword when a threat arises.”
G: Odd, and maybe easy to fix. Maybe bringing about justice will not threaten survival of the family. I would restate: “I will secure my/our family’s survival before I will call for justice.” This places her at odds with Beowulf, yet contributes to Edgargo’s belief and supports his goal. Original feels very Big Sister; I hope my restate fits that spirit also. Target=our family’s survival; Action=I will secure it; Condition=before I call for justice. This also complicates the goal; if the first obstacle relates to justice/revenge, Edwina must block the plans in favor of survival in order to work toward goal; then, if second obstacle works toward survival, Edwina must redirect toward justice to complete goal (well, or she must pursue justice during Player Turn as long as survival is assured.) It is a rather complex goal and double edged. Perhaps that is why it felt forced initially.
B: All mice should be kind and righteous to each other.
I: Help ones in need.
G: No arrow hits an innocent mouse.
B: Feel good; needs grit. I would restate: “It is wrong for mice to mistreat each other; my example of kindness will uplift others.” This means Adair sees the world as basically unkind and needs his example to get things right; not much grit, but just a tiny bit. Also, quickly challenged by the question, “Can decisive punishment snuff out mistreatment and other wrongs?” Also, functions to illustrate contrast between Beowulf’s contradiction of belief and goal.
I: Great, and can be refined. I would restate: “I help others when I see their needs.” Absolutely ought to cause some cringing when Herward is in need of healing, saving, forgiving, etc. If this instinct does not cause friction between Adair and Beowulf, I would wonder about how close to the bone players are really playing.
G: Ummmm, too dissonant with belief and instinct; needs a change. I would restate: “I must bring healing to the hearts of my/our family to prevent a blood feud.” A difficult goal and focuses on the patrol/family. Target=our family’s hearts; Action=I must bring healing; Condition=to prevent a blood feud. Might be most difficult goal of the bunch and relies on internal Persuader tests.
B: Being small just means you have to be braver.
I: Always accept the first plan suggested
G: Do something awesome your relatives wont forget!
B: Great, and can be refined. I would restate: “All mice are small, but I will show greater bravery despite my size.” OR “Mice must show greater bravery despite being small.” This seems to be well within the revenge idea of Beowulf, and a player may feel encouraged to take violence too far in the name of bravery. Not bad, but player take caution.
I: Strange, and I might refine. I would restate: “I will always embrace the first plan suggested.” I use embrace instead of accept; because, in embracing Leofric makes the plan his own and can more readily improve upon it. In accepting, Leofric blindly grabs hold like a drowning victim. Those might be just my feel for the words. It can help Adair or Edwina greatly if Leofric hears them speak up first, doesn’t argue, embraces their plan and helps them carry out the suggestion. Player take caution; Beowulf or Adgargo may grab Leofric’s attention and help giving little time to react.
G: Good, and might be refined. I would restate: “I must take action which my relatives/family will not soon forget.” Target=family’s attention; Action=I must take action; Condition=they can’t forget quickly. The final judgement of accomplishing the goal might rely on Conditions. If I may, for example, the player could say, “I’ll take action, I’ll attempt such and such. My intent is that everyone become (one of) Hungry/Tired/Angry/Injured/Sick due to my rash decision and bold action; they won’t forget that soon! It will be on the character sheet!” Then, the judgement of whether it was soon forgotten can be whether family members were able to easily recover from said Condition; if they recover, maybe they forget Leofric caused the trouble.
So point here is trying to make BIGs so that players wont have difficulties to make up motivation to accomplish the mission. They can always debate how to do it but mice want to do something about issue.
Other thing that I am trying to do is to have counter sides of each character. Some mice want to kill the responsible burner and some might try to incriminate the othe family (this isn’t mabye strong enough)
If you could point out which BIGs are not good and why and am i trying to control the game too much?
I wouldn’t worry too much about control; it is a campaign opener, right? The pre-mades rely on the mission intended, so giving suggested BIGs is probably a good idea. However, also be prepared for the players to revise or utterly change the BIGs. Just don’t allow them to do those revisions or alterations until you present the whole intro and assign the mission. Once they get a picture of what lies before their mice, then they can think of whether the BIGs are most fitting. Oh, and make them state the BIGs aloud before starting the GM Turn.
Now, I’m curious about the mission. When will you post that to the missions forum?