Missing Guard in Burl

I don’t know if I really like this one… I’m going to need some feedback. This is kinda my rough draft. It’s not exactly finished. It’s a little wordy… and not a lot of player interaction…

"A letter arrives from Gwendolyn addressed to (leader), it reads, "We have entirely lost communication from Guard we sent to Burl, the desert town next to Sandmason. They should’ve returned weeks ago. We assume the worst, but it could just mean that they are delayed on their mission. Either way you are the closest patrol that’s not already occupied or unreachable. Get to Burl, and report the situation back to me.

  • G""

Ob. 1 Report to Burl

  1. “It is morning now, you can choose to leave now due to the possible urgency of the situation, or later tonight when it’s cooler.”
    Ob 4-5 Pathfinder (“destination: nearby” (+1), the shifting sands make it hard to pick up on trails (+3), (unseasonably warm (+1) - If day))
    P: goto 2
    F: goto Twist 1

Twist 1: ““Sssss” A snake is pursuing the patrol.”
Mouse Nature vs. Snake’s Nature of 6
P: goto 2
F: Conflict with Snake then goto 2

  1. “The patrol stops as they approach the town. The patrol stands on a dune overlooking it. It’s truly a horrifying sight. Portains of the town are burnt down completely, others still on fire. When you enter the town it reeks, the magled bodies of dead mice align the city streets.”
    Ob 2 Will (-1D disadvantage if Burl is hometown.)
    P: goto Ob. 2
    F: gain the Sick status, then goto Ob. 2

Ob. 2 Investigate Burl and report back to Gwendolyn.

  1. The town looks empty, you shouldn’t leave until doing more investigation.
    Suddenly the shade of a mouse comes walking through the smoke down the street. A survivor perhaps? The shaded mouse is revealed and is… laughing?
    She slowly walks toward the group, tossing the halberd around in her hands.
    “Are you (number) Guard? It’s about time you showed up. I was starting to worry.”
    She stops, and breathes in deeply.
    "It’s beautiful… Isn’t it. It’s the sweet scent of justice.
    She tosses his arms up in the air
    “Victory is ours my brothers, and sisters. Finally the Territories are free from this town of murderers, liars, and thieves.” She lets her arms fall to his sides “I was born here you know… but this town killed my parents… and when I stole from a vender to save my life… This town sent me away… Well I’m back…”
    She begins to laugh again
    “You wouldn’t understand…”
    She walks back a few steps.
    “When I was banished from the town, I didn’t just wander to another town… No, I was sick of mice… and when I was alone in the desert… I had to learn things… Now Naga!”
    A giant snake quickly darts his head through the smoke behind the mouse’s legs, the mouse jumps on the snakes head. The snake lifts it head high into the air. As the beast slowly bobs its head left and right, the mouse grips her halberd. The snake darts toward the group.
    Conflict with mouse mounting snake